Avril Lavigne has finally come out and confirmed what many of us have suspected for some years.

“I just can’t sing” whimpered the punk-pop-starlet. “Frankly, I’ve always suspected this. I’d like to apologise to all my fans for inflicting my banshee-lite punkish howling on them. Really, I don’t know what to say; this realisation has just made me sick.”

“Actually, at least I’m a squillion-aire”, she added, blowing her nose on a fifty, punching the air and hitting the power-stance. “Thanks for all your money, kids, I’m off to buy Malibu”.

Avril has cancelled a number of shows in America, much to the relief of parents across the country.

Bob from Santa Barbara in California, a father of two teenage Avril-fans, told us: “Dude, like, it’s such a relief, you know? I was gonna have to take ‘em to see that little punkette. I’d bought some ear-plugs, dude. Man, that was a close-one. I dunno, maybe now the girls will stop scowling all the time, using all their mother’s make-up and painting their hair pink…”

Jim

• BROWSE / IN TIMELINE
• « “Good evening ladies and gentlemen, we’re tonight’s entertainment.”
• » Superhero-A-Go-Go!

• BROWSE / IN General Larks and Buffoonery Music
• « The Den
• » REVIEW: Elvis Costello & The Imposters - Momofuku