So following on from that idiot Steve Zahn insinuating that yours truly is all washed up on his pathetic little blog, I figured that my response as featured on my blog was enough to put this towering cad in his place. I was unfortunately wrong. This morning I woke up to the sound of this song from Tom Hank’s “That Thing You Do”, also titled “That Thing You Do”.

Not sure where the sound was coming from, I put on my silk robe which I had received from Rob Reiner at a recent charity event, I then made my way out on to the balcony. There seemed to be a gathering of people on my lawn, harmonising and making silly faces at each other while their played their raucous tunes. I quickly grabbed my binoculars from the bedside table and went back out to the balcony to confirm my suspicions — sure enough, there was that berk Steve Zahn playing and dancing, his eyes constantly skyward imagining that he’s on Ed Sullivan or something similarly deluded. Jeff knows why he thought that this would impress me, at 6 in the morning with three talented femmes resting on the love seat.

Upon closer inspection, Steve seemed to be wearing his usual pirate outfit with a bottle of rum tucked in his front pocket. After they had finished the song, Steve started twirling around in a circle, falling over the drums in the process. He then spied me looking at him, bringing the bottle to his lips as he cursed the air.

“JEFF GOLDBLUM!! I LOVE YOU!! MY MARRIAGE IS A SHAM!! I WANT TO FEEL YOUR SWEET EMBRACE!!”

I had known that his marriage was a sham for some time, having bedded his wife on many occasions, actually fathering his first child. As Steve cried into his bandanna, huddled up on the grass, clutching his knees close to his chest, I went back inside and closed the curtains.

I could hear his weeping for many hours before he found his way to the sweet embrace of Taco Bell.

So Steve, please understand when I tell you this:

That time at the cabin was a one time deal. Please don’t make me call Alec Baldwin. Please. I did enjoy myself, don’t get me wrong but your career is in shambles buddy and I can’t have that around me.

So this one’s from me, Steve. Please take the advice present within.

Jeff

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